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Point/Counterpoint: We don’t need the Coast Guard vs “OH GOD I’M SINKING! MAYDAY MAYDAY!”

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The following is a Point/Counterpoint debate regarding the relevancy of the United States Coast Guard and whether or not it serves an important role in the US Government. The Point will be presented by an anti-government blogger and the Counterpoint by the same anti-government blogger in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane as his boat is sinking.

POINT: “Why do we have a Coast Guard when we have the US Navy? Basically, cv the Coast Guard’s work is being done by local agencies that have quicker response times and better local knowledge. The Coast Guard is a huge waste of money and assets that needs to be dismantled.”

COUNTERPOINT: “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I’m a 43’ pleasure boat and I’m going down! I know what I said! I didn’t mean it! There’s literally no one else out here but me!”

POINT: “Donald Trump is right to defund the Coast Guard. They haven’t done anything of any significance since Hurricane Katrina and even then it was local people and Navy helicopters.”

COUNTERPOINT: “I will suck a whale’s dick for a helicopter right now! Anything before I drown. I heard drowning’s the worst way to die. Oh God, Coast Guard? Can you hear me? I am so sorry!”

POINT: “I mean, people should really just exercise caution on the high seas and if they don’t, isn’t that God doing his duty thinning the population with people who have a no concern for their own safety?”

COUNTERPOINT: “Oh God please save me!”

POINT: “I understand there was once a point to the US Coast Guard, but with their boats breaking down all the time, why would I want someone to come save me and my loved ones in a rickety old rust bucket?”

COUNTERPOINT: “What the fuck was I even talking about?!? I would take a dumpster painted red and white right now if it saved my life! Oh no…is that a fin sticking out of the water?”

POINT: “And what else do they even do? I’m pretty sure we can hire private companies to do those jobs.”

COUNTERPOINT: “Look I get it. I said some things that were waaaay out of line. I will personally post another blog post commending the US Coast Guard as a significant role in the its multi-mission whatever BUT I NEED HELP MAY-FUCKING-DAY!”

POINT: “Think about all the money the Coast Guard wastes. Fuel costs, multi-billion dollar repairs to boats, and facilities that cost millions to run. It’s pointless.”

COUNTERPOINT: “Okay I turned on my EPIRB! Can you hear me now? You assholes!”

POINT: “Do you know any good Coast Guard movies? I don’t. That’s because the Coast Guard’s job isn’t even interesting. They save dumb mariners, clean up oil in the ocean, and catch Mexicans smuggling marijuana over the border. Marijuana is going to be legal anyway!”

COUNTERPOINT: “Okay now the boat is almost sunk and I’m standing in water. The pumps aren’t keeping up and I’m scared for my life. I would just like to apologize for the asshole thing. That was out of line.”

POINT: “They don’t even fight in wars.”

COUNTERPOINT: “Okay, I just did a quick Google search and it turns out you do. I didn’t research my blog post! What do you expect in the age of the internet? Also I just sent you guys an email and it say that I’m about to drown. That was me. I am about to die.”

POINT: “Well, that pretty much settles it. The Coast Guard needs to go. They should just sell all their equipment to impoverished nations and divide their employees to Border Patrol, Postal Service, and the Boy Scouts.”

COUNTERPOINT: “Okay…that last one was uncalled for. I’ll sweat it out a few more minutes. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. You guys are the most unappreciated member of the US military. Just please come and save my life because I don’t have a life jacket and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SWIM!”

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