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Col. Sanders, Capt. Crunch decry lack of Air Force rep for Joint Chiefs of Snack

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WASHINGTON — Col. Sanders and Capt. Crunch, the longest serving members of the Joint Chiefs of Snack, have spoken publicly about their frustration that the current administration has yet to appoint an Air Force representative to the Joint Chiefs of Snack, sources confirmed today.

“This is an outrage,” said the Cap’n at a press conference Tuesday. “The Air Force nomination of Toucan Sam, a fine flyer who would have been the first openly-gay member of the Joint Chiefs, should have been approved. Now, Tony ‘the flying’ Tiger’s appointment has been sitting in Congress for months with no movement. It’s not grrr-eat.”

The nomination of Sam, who had a long and notable career in aviation, was halted by media attention over his involvement in the Froot Loops scandal.

The Joint Chiefs of Snack have advised the president on Class I supply issues since the 1947 National Defense Act broke out the responsibilities for munchies, pogie bait, nibbles, fat pills and and any meal purchased at an AAFES gas station separately from the traditional, nutrient dense rations.

Each service provides a nominee to the Joint Chiefs of Snack, in a tradition going back to Count Chocula, who served his time as a Coronet in the 10th Queen’s Own Hussars in the Boer Wars. His service was so noted by King Vitamin that his position was made permanent. The American tradition began when Mr. Peanut volunteered for combat duty in 1942.

Rumors have circulated that Sonny, now a consultant for Cocoa Crispies, may be in the running, though since his experience mostly centers around carrying his own spoon, many have speculated the nomination would not make it through Senate confirmation.

Col. Harlan Sanders, the fried chicken specialist who has overseen many periods of change, believes that the Joint Chiefs will endure the vacancy until the right candidate can be found.

“The Cap’n is right to speak his mind,” said Sanders, “But he might do better to focus on how he hasn’t been promoted since 1963.”

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