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National Guard Soldier keeps saying she’s in the Army

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BENTONVILLE, Ark. — A National Guard soldier tried to repeatedly claim that she was in the Army last night, according to a number of witnesses at Creekside Grille, sources confirmed today.

Mary Deerhorn, a lieutenant colonel attached to Arkansas’s 153rd Infantry regiment, mentioned her part-time military service after complimenting waiter Don Simmons’ “MY BROTHER’S KEEPER” forearm tattoo, which he said was inspired by his dedication to the JROTC program at Bentonville High School.

“Oh, great,” Deerhorn said, according to witnesses. “I’m in the Army, too. 153rd Infantry regiment.”

“I’m sorry,” asked Simmons. “You transferred from active duty into the guard or…?”

Restaurant Manager Martin Lewis, who was passing by at the moment, also joined the conversation.

“Isn’t the 153rd Guard?” he asked, cocking his head in confusion. When Deerhorn confirmed her unit, he said, “So you’re not exactly in the Army.

“Showing up one weekend a month to sit through a few PowerPoint presentations about sexual harassment and maybe do a little PT, I mean—come on. This isn’t the army. Hell, I was Guard. This was of course in the 80s before they drug tested,” Lewis said, motioning to his shoulder-length hair.

Over dinner, the argument resurfaced briefly when Deerhorn’s husband, George Deerhorn, inquired about the nature of the dispute with the server, which he had only heard part of because he was returning from the men’s room.

“Ah,” her husband said while scanning his menu. “I mean, he’s obviously right, but we won’t go down this road tonight.”

Mrs. Deerhorn, a Vice President of Logistics at Walmart, held a different view.

“In the last ten years, George, I’ve deployed three times. This isn’t 1972 when your father and his buddies would grill out and drink beers on the range. We actually train. We deploy to combat zones. It’s the Army National Guard, George. For Pete’s sake.”

“Uh huh,” said Mr. Deerhorn, sipping from his beer glass. “Still not the Army.”

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