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Pentagon official smokes out Congress during counter-drug testimony

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Thomas Alexander (bottom row, second from right) poses with senior Defense Department counternarcotics officials in 2018. (Source: Righteous Fotes, Kingston Bay)

WASHINGTON — The Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Counternarcotics and Global Threats totally got on bloop and Bobby Brown when testifying about countering transnational organized crime before the House Committee on Armed Services last week, according to sources.

Thomas Alexander, who recently returned from California where he observed National Guardsmen performing counter-drug duties, floated into the District “hungry laughing” and with “potent vision,” according to a press release from the Pentagon’s Public Affairs Office.

Alexander is reportedly very concerned about the use of active-duty personnel and money in conducting counter-narcotics support activities, especially in the U.S. This comes during a review of Defense funding after 17 blazing years of constant war in the narcotics hotspots of the Middle East and South Asia.

Before testifying, Alexander allegedly started the day with a wake-and-bake at a bro’s house in Taneytown with some Jolly Green and Devil’s Lettuce, right before gnoshing an awesome breakfast of five bagels topped with powdered eggs, bacon, salsa, pancakes, melon, beetroot and whipped cream.

Then, while being driven very slowly to the Capitol by bouldered driver Army Spc. Jahmee I. Ree of the D.C. National Guard, Alexander stopped the car and bought a dro bud called 535 Funk from a kine at the intersection of 3rd and Constitution. 

Fearing a magic cancer call — also known as a urinalysis by dem stiff necks — Alexander then mixed up some black pepper, microwave popcorn and Doobie’s E-Liminate-It Magic Syrup, and passed it to himself on the left-hand side. That reportedly broke his personal security detail, who only had Greenout juice and No-Mo-Wreck pills to help walk back their gnarly fear of The Man.

A short time later, appearing before Congress at the unrighteous hour of 9 a.m. to describe Defense counterdrug requirements for the coming fiscal year, Alexander said he needed more “chess” and “sha-bang-a-bang-a” to get inside the minds of drug users. But he didn’t want any of that “snickle-fritz” from California.

When Congresswoman Jackie Speier of California’s 14th District objected, Alexander replied that “Reggie Miller” and an unidentified general he called “Sampson” never served in California. He also said that South Bay weed isn’t “loud” or “nay nay famous.”

Exhaling a massive power-cloud of Lanai Cabbage smoke, Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii’s like, only the second of two whole districts, breezily quizzed the Chief on the current posture of the National Guard’s counter-drug programs. Alexander, who was by then totally lit on widdle that enhanced the upper reaches of his holy state, said that Hawaii’s bogus decriminalization laws have had no influence on overall Guard readiness or his personal state of mellow with regard to “haters” and “the pigs.”

He also said for the record, he hates funding “these bogus DoD counter-drug task forces that are the children of Babylon.” He added that they are not what DoD’s main mission is about — defending the U.S. “They’re totally all in on supporting drug law enforcement,” he said. “No brethren and sistren can tolerate that since it harshes everyone’s mellow.”

At press time, Alexander was seen telling the Undersecretary of Defense for Policy to refer to him as haile nigušu t’īsi, the Ethiopian-language translation of “Mighty King Smoke.”

Lieutenant Dan contributes to Duffel Blog. He previously led a group of Air Force company grade officers who have all the solutions to all the world's problems. Now he rescues animals and sings them to sleep with classic Air Force songs like “Trust the System” and “Don't Fall Out of Formation.”

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before

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BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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Marine Corps

God forgets to capitalize ‘Marine’

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HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”

His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.

“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.

“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”

Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”

“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.

“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.

While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”

“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.

“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.

At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”

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Duffel Blog Presents: 26 mythological creatures the troops have heard of but never seen

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If you’ve spent any significant amount of time in the military, you’ve no doubt heard some urban legends and rumors related to the service. These might include sightings of various mythological creatures associated with the military and veteran communities – ones we suspect may exist, like Bigfoot or Nessie, but which have never been confirmed by science. Duffel Blog’s cryptozoology team has compiled a list of the top 26 cryptids we all suspect might be lurking in the wild.

1. A living, breathing chief warrant officer 5
2. A Marine veteran who doesn’t post moto memes on his/her wall after transitioning
3. A retired general/flag officer who doesn’t work for a think-tank or defense contractor
4. A military spouse who legitimately runs a small business
5. An infantryman with a middle-class job lined up after ETSing
6. A special operator who votes Democrat
7. An intelligence analyst who votes Republican
8. An active duty serviceman who keeps going to church after basic training
9. A veteran who is actually well-adjusted to civilian life
10. A Hispanic drill sergeant who isn’t fucking terrifying
11. An Asian infantryman
12. A white equal opportunity advisor
13. A black Navy SEAL
14. An officer who makes PowerPoints with an optimal length and amount of content
15. An MP who knows they’re not a real cop
16. A mustang 2nd lieutenant who doesn’t bring up having been an E-5 in every conversation
17. A Navy SEAL who doesn’t plan to write a memoir
18. A well-endowed service member who also has a lifted truck
19. The guy who put saltpeter in the eggs at basic to stop you from getting a boner
20. An effective chaplain
21. A first sergeant who makes you want to re-enlist
22. An officer and a gentleman
23. A safety briefer who actually starts on time
24. A staff NCO who doesn’t ask questions at the end of a brief
25. A lance corporal or specialist who actually sticks around for police-calls
26. A quiet professional

If you spot one of these fantastic beasts and know where to find them, please inform Duffel Blog so our actual zoologists may go out and document them for science. Thank you for your service.

Duffel Blog reporters Epic Blunder, Dirty, Justin Coates, Dirty Harry, Maxx Butthurt, and The Leg Ranger contributed to this article.

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Dan Crenshaw stabs Pete Davidson in the eye, or whatever

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In celebration of winning the Texas 2nd District congressional seat, former Navy SEAL Dan Crenshaw stabbed comedian Pete Davidson in the eye today, which is no big deal.

Many see the response as fitting because of Davidson’s recent casual jokes about Crenshaw’s eyepatch, which he wears for a combat injury, on Saturday Night Live.

“I wasn’t personally offended even though we don’t see eye to eye,” Crenshaw told medical professionals who were rushing to stop Davidson’s skull from bleeding out. “I just wanted to create a spectacle in honor of my win, and I knew that Pete wouldn’t mind losing an eye because like he said, it’s just whatever.”

Davidson defended his views to reporters in his hospital room.

“I made fun of Crenshaw because I didn’t want a Republican to win that race,” he said. “Conservatives are always treating people disrespectfully because of physical traits they can’t change, and that’s not a behavior I can overlook.”

Davidson, who believes that his highly publicized breakup with Ariana Grande should be off limits but that Crenshaw’s literal self-sacrifice is perfect material for weak jokes, has a new vision for his comedic future.

“I’ll be back on SNL next week for the ten to fifteen people still watching the show,” said Davidson, “and I promise not to lose sight of what really matters — stoking right-wing fears of media bias.”

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Army

Drinking eight Rip Its a day could help you live longer, study by specialist with no teeth says

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FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.

“I think the results speak for themselves,” said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. “Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing.”

Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated “wonder serum” with saving his life.

“There was that one time when [Pvt. 1st Class] Peters stabbed me after I bet he couldn’t,” said an emaciated Luers, wheezing into the microphone. “And that other time when I jumped off of the roof of the barracks because I huffed too much starter fluid from the motor pool and thought I was covered in camel spiders. Both times I should’ve been dead.”

“But here I am,” said Luers pointing two sore-ridden thumbs at himself. “Fit as a fiddle.”

While some say that the study’s results are skewed based on the singular sample size, there are those in the scientific community who believe there is a kernel of truth to the research.

“I peer reviewed [Luers’] results and have no idea how he has lived this long,” says Dr. Lydia Brownfield, chief of epidemiology at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “He has been in renal failure for the past eight years and developed scurvy, yet his virility has increased over 500 percent.”

Brownfield gestured to a cork board that contained the information of over a dozen illegitimate children that share Luers’ thirst for dangerously caffeinated energy drinks.

“I have no idea how his reproductive system is functioning,” said Brownfield. “He is a truly a medical miracle, and the only thing I can attribute it to are the Rip Its.”

Luers is currently preparing for a press tour to promote the revolutionary study but will have to delay until his barracks is removed from quarantine. Authorities reported numerous cases of the once-eradicated yaws — a chronic bacterial infection — after a recent inspection of Luers’ room.

Blondes Over Baghdad Contributed to this report.

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Marine Corps

Rubber rifle finally gets confirmed kill

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CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – The Marine Corps achieved another military first when a rubber training rifle—more commonly known as a “rubber duck”—achieved a confirmed kill, sources confirm today.

“I’ve trained hard for this moment from the beginning of my career, but it wasn’t my doing, it was the Marines around me and the circumstances that led to this moment,” the rifle told reporters after the historic occurrence.

While rubber ducks have non-fatally bludgeoned countless recruits and officer candidates during obstacle course events, and one forced an entire Air Force base into lock-down, none had previously killed anyone.

The base pool on Camp Pendleton was the scene of the fatal incident. Emergency first responders reported that a senior enlisted Marine drowned during swim qual after becoming disoriented when the rubber duck smacked him in the face.

“I rotated in the guy’s hands and butt-stroked him in the face,” the training aid later explained to its fellow inert weapons in the supply closet. “Then I got stuck on his pack and kneed him in the groin. He went down hard and swallowed a lot of pool water.”

The pool was closed for a safety stand-down for the next 48 hours, though a number of lance corporals snuck in after hours to examine the deadly duck. A box full of blue dummy grenades looked on in envy as the rubber rifle was hoisted aloft.

“We never get any real action,” the blue ball-shaped devices were overheard saying. “Sometimes the guys hold us for a bit and then toss one off, but we never explode.”

As of press time, the rifle was reportedly considering writing a book about the historic occasion titled “Rubber Ducky: Born to Kill.”

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