CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – After snorting three MRE coffee packets during a land navigation exercise at Camp Shelby, Mississippi, Pvt. Dillen Roebuck rocketed from the surface of the earth and landed on the far side of the moon, NASA officials confirmed today.
“NASA scientists observed a flaming object traveling away from the earth at a speed of just over 58,000 kilometers per hour at about 10:26 EST yesterday,” NASA spokesman George Diller told reporters. “A team at Arizona State University was able to confirm that the object was Pvt. Roebuck, who was last seen with smoke leaking from his ears and mouth on the ground near Hattiesburg, MS.”
Roebuck was seen snorting MRE instant coffee grounds before lift-off, according to his squad leader.
“In violation of his previous counseling, Pvt. Roebuck obtained MRE instant coffee packets and began snorting them,” an unsigned Article 15 of the event read. “As Pvt. Roebuck began to quake and spew smoke from every orifice, Sgt. Ramirez and Spc. Franks were injured trying to restrain Pvt. Roebuck, who went corkscrewing into the sky and out of sight.”
In a statement released through her lawyer, mother Sharron Roebuck said her son had a history of addiction to over-the-counter sugar and caffeine products.
“He was one of these kids who was snorting pixie sticks in 5th grade and never really kicked the habit,” she said. “Like a lot of wayward kids, we thought the military would set him straight. But, unfortunately, he blasted off to the moon at thousands of miles per hour as a result of his impulsive decisions.”
According to online reports from amateur astronomers, Roebuck almost flew past the moon but was caught in its gravitational field, causing him to circle around the far side of the celestial body, creating a new crater, tentatively dubbed Mare Tasterus Choicus.
On the lunar surface, Roebuck was at first disoriented, according to Princeton University Astronomer Nina Hunt.
“Here, we see Roebuck emerge from the crater looking just as hopeless and lost as he was on the landnav course at Camp Shelby,” she said of a smoking hole on the moon’s surface displayed on video during a press conference. “And here, we see him looking around, hiding behind a boulder, and playing with his phone.”
At press time, scientists said that Pvt. Roebuck had not once looked up from the racing game he was playing, after more than 17 hours on the surface.