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Mattis appointed Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — James Mattis may have resigned from his position as the nation’s secretary of Defense on Thursday, but he won’t be out of work long.

Following his abrupt departure as President Donald Trump’s most experienced and knowledgeable foreign policy adviser, the former Marine Corps general announced today that he will be taking a role with the “Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future” (GPPF) organization, as the Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars.

“I am excited to join the civilian workforce and continue to help our country prosper,” Mattis said. “For years, I have had a knack for keeping people up at night, and I think this is the perfect opportunity to really utilize that skill set.“

Mattis’ responsibilities will include haunting past and present cabinet members, pushing them to second guess any and all erratic, nonsensical and highly questionable foreign policy decisions, as well as advising future presidential candidates on how to actually improve international relations and military strategy, rather than destroying it.

“Jim will do an excellent job serving in this role, as he’s been haunting people both in real life and in their dreams, for many, many years,” said Ebeneezer Scrooge, a GPPF spokesman. “It’s alarming to me they would even let that kind of experience walk away. He’s got more brains than anybody in the White House.”

The GPPF’s prior work has mainly involved nostalgic, covert Christmas-related operations over the years, but the organization is planning to shift their focus to a more “diplomatic approach” in 2019.

“Obviously the Christmas season is a big time of year for our organization, and we excited to have Jim come on board and help us move in this new direction,” Scrooge said. “After the mess that has gone on the last week, it’s clear somebody has got to actually step up and make this country great again.”

Following his departure from the White House in February, Mattis will be sworn in as the fourth-ever Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars, following the likes of other generational military leaders like Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld, and the esteemed Winston Churchill.

Scrooge could barely contain his excitement when talking about his new co-worker.

“He seemed pretty excited about working with competent leadership again,” said Scrooge. “He said meetings with his last boss were ‘beyond infuriating,’ whatever that is supposed to mean. I didn’t press him on the issue. Honestly, the guy scares the shit out of me.”

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