VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE — Space Ghost, the interstellar crime fighter and talk-show host, has filed a complaint with the Department of Defense Inspector General over his non-selection for a command position in U.S. Space Command, sources confirmed today.
Space Ghost considers himself qualified for command and is disgruntled over his non-selection, according to a copy of the complaint obtained by Duffel Blog.
“I am not being given credit for my long career,” the complaint reads, “particularly after years of operating — hel-loooo — in space on some of the worst planets this side of the Kuiper Belt.”
Air Force spokesperson Col. James Carney, however, told reporters that Space Command selections are based on potential for future leadership, not past performance. Carney added that although Space Ghost’s service dates from 1966, his career has all the luster of a collapsing black hole.
“He’s never shown much leadership, responsibility, or command abilities,” said Carney. “He recycled three times at his captain’s career course, which is pretty tough to do in a course that routinely graduates people who have traumatic brain injuries.”
Carney also pointed out that while other officers have demonstrated leadership abilities in combat over the last 18 years, Space Ghost avoided terrestrial deployments because of his attendance at Galactic Command and Staff College.
“It’s a one-year course on Jupiter, but that’s almost 12 Earth years, so its not really my fault I never made it to Iraq or Afghanistan,” reads Space Ghost’s complaint.
Records show that for the times that Space Ghost was present on Earth, he was frequently accused of mismanagement, TDY abuse, and favoritism. His supervision was also limited to two teenage sidekicks and a monkey, in whom he demonstrated no interest in promoting or professionally developing.
“These are behaviors we expect from senior officers after they take command, not before,” said Carney.
Reached for comment, Space Ghost said, “Do any of those assholes being selected for command singlehandedly break up the interstellar slave ring run by the Lizard Men? I don’t think so. Do they have letters of recommendation from super villains the quality of Moltar and Borak? This is like getting hit with a Venusian stun ray.”
Carney noted that Space Ghost received positive evaluations for his physical fitness and command voice.
“He’d be in if we were selecting commanders based on having cut bodies and rocking a yellow cape,” Carney said, “but we’re not.”