OTTUMWA, Iowa— Yesterday, America observed the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Some spent the day with local World War II veterans. Others visited military cemeteries to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice. But all Americans held fast to the central tenet of the day and our nation as a whole: calling people we disagree with Nazis.
The tradition first began in Berlin, at the Reichstag in 1933. Legend has it that when President Paul von Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor of Germany, a member of parliament remarked, “Are you kidding me? That guy is literally a Nazi.” Since then, the term has morphed to include liberals, conservatives, and the civilians who work at CIF.
Local veteran and Benghazi fetish role player Rob Jackson enjoyed his D-Day immensely. Jackson is bedridden, having become morbidly obese after the Marine Corps administratively separated him for going UA to avoid an Afghan deployment. This doesn’t stop him from wearing a red USMC piss cover decorated with badges from wars fought before he was born or celebrating D-Day.
“I spent June 6th like any other day: woke up at 11, ate some Cheetos, and then spent 14 hours correcting uniform discrepancies on Facebook,” Jackson said. “I came across a fellow veteran who voted for Hillary, and I told that Nazi turd exactly what he’s done to my beloved Corps.”
Harvard sophomore Theo Humboldt (preferred pronouns: he, him, his) of Antwerp, Michigan, had been planning his D-Day for months.
“My cis-het white male grandfather participated in the colonial violence of June 6th,” Humboldt said. “And, I just found out he voted for Trump. I finally got to tell him off yesterday. He’s, like, literally a Nazi.”