TRANQUILITY BASE—Fifty years after the first moon landing, astronaut and former Air Force pilot Buzz Aldrin has demanded that he be allowed to retrace his steps and look for his missing space canteen.
“I’ve been getting my Medicare checks docked for years,” said Aldrin, nibbling on mint chocolate dehydrated ice cream in preparation for his upcoming trip. “NASA CIF is bullshit. How can a space canteen cost $800,000?”
Sources report that Aldrin, who has a doctorate from MIT, failed in his attempt to wrap a canteen bought at the Army Navy surplus store in tin foil and get a bitter, bearded Vietnam vet in a trucker cap at space CIF to accept it.
“And it’s not like they ever properly paid my travel voucher,” he continued. “238,900 miles times 53 cents a mile ads up to fuck you, NASA CIF.”
“Those bastards tried to pin me with losing a flag as well,” said Aldrin. “Luckily, that was on Neil [Armstrong]’s hand receipt. Not to start rumors here, but I’m not completely sure that he’s dead.”
“I think he might be going back for that damn flag. It’s not lost—he knows exactly where it is,” Aldrin said. “The moon. The fucking moon.”
NASA CIF also charged Armstrong and Aldrin for damages made to their space suits, judged to be more than a million dollars.
“I didn’t write my name on my space suit. Someone else did that.” Said Aldrin. “There were only two guys on the moon. We didn’t need name tags!”
Aldrin since has been taking speaking engagements, selling children’s books, and cold-cocking fake reporters to pay off his debts.
When asked for comment, NASA referred this reporter to a GS-12 stuck paying off the Opportunity Rover, which was left on Mars.