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Liaison officer fired for intentionally working a full duty day

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STUTTGART, Germany—Military liaison officers throughout Europe are anxiously watching developments after Major Marco Lopez, U.S. Army Europe (USAREUR) liaison to Headquarters, U.S. European Command (HQ USEUCOM), was relieved of duties for willfully working.

According to reports, Lopez violated all known liaison officer professional standards by reporting for duty before 0800 on a beautiful Friday, efficiently responding to enquiries and communicating command positions until well after 1630. Informed of the infractions during his weekly Monday morning combination golf slam and staff meeting, USAREUR Chief of Staff Brig. Gen. Charles Pope reportedly said, “If I wanted thorough communications with HQ EUCOM—I’d pick up the goddamn phone. Can his ass!”

Military personnel management officials said that it is myth that liaison officers support open communications. According to Colonel Lyle Phelps of the USAREUR G-3, “In reality, most of those liaison chuckleheads can’t even spell communications. Lopez is there to represent the G-3 at boring meetings or pain-in-the-ass retirement parties—and nothing else! He needs to get his head back in his ass where it belongs, or other underachievers will do it for him,” Phelps said.

“Good liaisons actually force communications by being completely unavailable,” Phelps continued. “In the Civil War, General Grant had a liaison to the White House but he was a complete flat dick. President Lincoln actually walked around asking ‘Anybody seen that fucking guy?’ Lincoln eventually just talked directly to Grant in the field and they won the war.”

“Now that’s what we expect from liaison officers.”

Captain Claudia Hill, U.S. Air Force, Europe Liaison to HQ EUCOM, agreed, saying, “By working a full day, Lopez could raise the expectations for all of us. I had to telework from a biergarten all that afternoon to remind everybody how the liaison business is supposed to work. If EUCOM expects more from us because of that ass-hat Lopez’s ‘Blue Falcon’ move, I’ll give him a bigger problem than getting fired.”

According to a USAREUR source, before returning to duty Lopez must complete remedial Time Mismanagement training at the Edelweiss Recreation Center in Garmisch, Germany, where liaisons master skills for working short duty days that are marginally negligent but technically short of being criminal.

Sources also say that USAREUR is considering filling all liaison positions with warrant officers, who are prohibited by regulation from working more than two hours per day.

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