KABUL, Afghanistan — Residents of Kabul are enjoying shorter commute times on the Kandahar–Kabul Highway thanks to the recent completion of a designated car bomb toll lane, sources report.
“For over 18 years motorists had to endure expressways choked with vehicle-borne improvised explosive devices (VBIEDs), resulting in driver frustration, spilled coffee, and premature detonations due to excessive delays,” said Minster of Transportation and Civil Aviation Muhammad Hamid Tahmasi.
“Now,” continued Tahamsi, “with the patent-pending FastBlast® app, drivers can prepay their tolls and rest assured that they will reach their destination on-time and on-target.”
In addition to helping jihadists deliver their payloads in record time, the $2 billion project funded by the US Army Corps of Engineers is a surprising new stream of revenue for both the Afghan government and local businesses in the postwar draw down.
“We are definitely seeing a lot of new foreign investment in the fertilizer and ball bearing industries,” said Minister of Commerce and Industries Anwar ul-Haq Ahady. “Plus, we are providing generous electric car bomb incentives to help aspiring domestic terrorists ‘go green.'”
“Not to mention jobs in the local funeral industry are skyrocketing,” added Ahady. “Certainly a great time to not be alive!”
US officials applauded Afghanistan’s growing economy and voiced their commitment to its continued success by tentatively pledging billions of dollars to various local rebel factions for decades to come.