’MURICA — The entire U.S. military returned home from Afghanistan this week, intending to give America a poignant, joyful surprise reunion. Instead, it caught America in bed with someone else. Friends of the military said it was “shocked and heartbroken” and had drowned itself in party liquor and disreputable women.
“You hate to see it, but it’s common,” said former Secretary of Defense James Mattis, currently on tour promoting his new book. “Our servicemembers selflessly go abroad to spend a few decades ventilating bad guys, only to come home and find the one they left at home shacking up with someone else.”
Sources close to the situation could not confirm who, exactly, America had in its bed when the military returned home, but that hasn’t stopped national security experts from theorizing. Speculation ranged from the Military-Industrial Complex to sportsball teams, from Wokeness to something called “daily life.”
According to miltwitter, “Whomever America was caught with, it is certainly a betrayal to a military that has spent the last eighteen years believing America loved it, and only it.”
“The Yank military has been taking it pretty hard,” confided a close friend, the British Ministry of Defense. “I hate to say it because we’ve become such fast friends, but the relationship there has been—well, rather intense,” MoD said. “I’m not sure any other military would take it so hard, but the U.S. military really believed its country was fully devoted to it. This despite years of betrayals and broken faith.”
“The VA, the RIFs in the 90s, forcing Yank soldiers to eat PBJs three meals a day in dining halls during the Carter years, the terrible reductions during the last administration that left the military hollowed out and unfit to fight, the VA again,” the MOD listed off, counting on its fingers.
“Let’s not forget telling a generation of officers that their leftenant evaluations were masked and then betraying that promise, giving overseas-stationed personnel very little support.”
“The VA again…”
“It was an abusive relationship from the start,” added the German Bundeswehr, another friend. “But Gott bless the U.S. military, it really did believe America loved it.”
At press time, the military had not decided whether it would leave America for good, or give it another chance. It is currently crashing on the New Zealand Defense Force’s couch, while America was last seen having dinner with 18 socialists.