COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — NORAD will be tracking Satan for the holidays after a typo on an internal operations order diverted the beloved Santa-tracking program to describing the location of Lucifer, Prince of Evil, this year from December 24–25.
“It’s the same letters, just out of order,” said Lt. Col. Kris Krangle, commanding officer of the newly renamed Holiday Tracking Program. “But honestly, I think the American Public would also like to know where Satan is, given the option. Also, we’d already designed the PowerPoint template to say Satan and not Santa, so we were too far on this course of action to fix it.”
Children and parents alike will be able to say, “Not today, Satan,” by logging into the NORAD website to see the horned devil cross the globe in his quest to sway good men into joining the children of disobedience.
The North American Aerospace Defense Command will use factors such as brimstone’s chemical signature, fur-pattern analysis, and sulfur trails to input data to the jolly animated website of Satan crossing the North Pole to find good little boys and girls.
Air Force intelligence officers have been targeting Satan for decades through interviews with a network of demon informers. This led one SEAL team to a late night raid on a used car dealership near Fort Bragg, but not the King of the Bottomless Pit Accuser himself.
“This is disappointing news,” said Major Rev. Rudolph Reinman, NORAD’s chaplain. “The operations center had the ability to track Satan this whole time, but hasn’t been sharing it with the chaplain’s office. I could have just been telling our Airmen where to go to avoid Satan. As it stands, I could only tell them to ‘just say no’ to The Great Tempter.”
The NORAD Satan Tracking Website goes live on Christmas Eve. Don’t expect a lot of movement, though, says Krangle.
“As it turns out, Satan’s been a GS-13 at the Pentagon for a long time.”