FORT LEE, Va. — Lt. Col. Wendell Bowers caused the United States to lose the Global War on Terror this week after he allowed his S3 section leave prior to 1900 hours one evening, sources confirm today.

“Next week, we will publicly surrender to the Taliban, the Islamic State, and several other B-list terrorist groups, because some so-called leader couldn’t let a few staff officers fall asleep at their desks,” Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper said, as he packed personal belongings from his Pentagon office into a cardboard box. “Our military runs on coffee, Copenhagen, and the disembodied souls of staff officers who are zealously devoted to PowerPoint fonts and stop-light charts.”

“If the interplay between those variables is even slightly out of balance, our whole department won’t function.”