YOUR COLON – Hello human carrier. It is us, the grains of sand stuck so far up your bunghole that you’d need a colonoscopy by a real civilian doctor to find us. Looks like your ass, our host, is headed back to Iraq. It’ll be a homecoming for all of us, so is this deployment to going to be F.U.N. fun or what?
You may remember the night that we worked our way up your prune chute during a two-day dust storm near Ramadi. You wrapped up in gortex and a poncho liner, but no snivel gear can keep blowing Iraqi sand from finding an orifice. Some of our buddies camped out in your nose and ears, but you dug deep and found all of them eventually. Still, no shower or Q-tip can reach us!
It’s quiet, burrowed into your colon wall. But what we hear, we don’t like. Words like “spreadsheet,” and “slides.” People say “readiness” a lot, and that makes your sphincter tighten and twitch. We also hear people say “lethality.” Funny thing, they’re not any of the same voices we heard in Iraq. Just sayin’.
So as your fleshy pink tukhus prepares to return, we’re totally stoked to see the changes from 17 years of investing blood and treasure in Iraq
I’m sure that Iraq has become a peaceful, stable nation like you all intended. You’re probably returning to a thankful population that will greet you as a hero. As your ass sand, we own some of that. You’re welcome for our service, bitches!
We bet that after all that training, equipment and money, Iraqis finally give a rat shit about their own security and only need your help in the smallest ways. They’re probably at least capable of protecting important fixed sites like the U.S. embassy, we’re thinking.
And if there’s still conflict, have they figured out if your true adversary in Iraq is Sunni terrorists like ISIS, or Shia influences like the Badr Organization? Because it would really suck for your keister, where we live, to get caught between two different enemies. Like that could happen!
But if none of that panned out, we hope that some humans can figure out a way to get to those pretty god damn obvious goals. Like maybe somebody can develop a strategy for Iraq and follow it for longer than a month. Perchance, they can find a way to pursue stability in ways that support national security goals in the present and future. Everybody else in the Middle East thinks in terms of decades, so we could probably just plan out like the next five, six years or so. Call me crazy.
Because if we’re all going to go back to Iraq, it should at least be for a plan that makes sense beyond the next ten fucking minutes.
By the way if you wind up in Kuwait, we’re not coming out.