KABUL — Fed up with its lack of progress and increasing obesity, the United States has told the Afghanistan War to “Get your ass off the couch and get a damn job!” according to sources.

“I’ve fucking had it with this war,” said the nation, shaking its head and brushing lint off its cardigan sweater. “After almost 800 billion bucks and 18 years, we’ve got little more than constant violence and a half-assed government that specializes in corruption and green-on-blue attacks. So obviously my KBR-bloated dipshit of a kid is going nowhere fast.”

Friends of America confirm that the Afghan War’s primary activities appear to be constantly playing Mortal Kombat, drinking Green Beans coffee, and binge watching pirated DVDs. “That lazy turd has watched every episode of Game of Thrones so many times, he could be a Dothraki linguist for fuck’s sake,” said the world's oldest constitutional democracy.