ATLANTA, Ga – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control announced today that Army medical researchers have uncovered an intriguing characteristic of COVID-19: not only is the virus “airborne,” it’s pretty obnoxious about it.
“Looking through the microscope, you can see them practically preening around the other microorganisms, like they’re movie stars,” said Thomas Fry, a CDC researcher. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“There are a number of ways a virus can be transmitted,” explained Col. James Darby, an infectious disease specialist with the U.S. Army Medical Corps. “Direct contact, which is used by what we refer to as “leg viruses,” require actual physical contact to spread. Droplet spread is where the virus travels a short distance through the air and is essentially dropped off by whatever was carrying them. Sort of like an ‘air assault virus.’ But by far the most storied and frankly sexiest transmission is airborne.”
“HOOAH,” he added.
The discovery was made as the CDC fast-tracks research into possible vaccines. While comparing a number of different types of viral diseases, researchers noticed that COVID-19s could easily identify each other by a tiny marker unique to airborne viruses.
“They would swarm together and start bumping into one another like frat boys—it’s kind of weird,” said Fry. “But if other viruses attempted to get close, COVID-19 seemed to notice they didn’t have the special marker and started giving the other viruses a bunch of crap. A single COVID-19 virus could be surrounded by a bunch of other types of coronaviruses that are every bit as dangerous, but COVID-19 will point to its marker and strut away like a douche.”
“It’s like, yeah, it’s cool that COVID-19 is airborne and all,” said another research fellow, “but that doesn’t mean they should act like it makes them better than other viruses.”
As rough as COVID-19 treats other coronaviruses, there’s one type in particular that receives especially brutal attention.
“Some formerly airborne viruses have mutated into droplet spread ‘air assault’ types,” said Col. Darby. “Man, COVID-19 really turns into jerks when those two meet.”
It should be noted that some in the scientific community dispute that COVID-19 is actually airborne, and that it is actually more “air mobile” than “airborne.” When asked about this, Darby replied, “That sounds like something a filthy leg would say.”