PYONGYANG – The Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) confirmed that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Chong Un is calling himself “a new Dear Leader” devoted to a life of health and fitness.
According to DIA spokesman Maj. Gordon Moody, a severe illness caused Kim’s recent disappearance from public view. This brush with death motivated Kim to commit himself to getting “totally cut” in six months.
Reports indicate that Kim installed a running track outside his home along with deliveries of a full Olympic-grade weight set, five pallets of “Sports Bang” energy drinks, and a Peloton bike.
“It’s an impressive effort for an overweight dude who smokes three packs a day,” said Moody, “so maybe he figured out that nobody likes a fat dictator.”
Kim exercises every day with a weekly fitness test consisting of weight deadlifts, standing power throws, pushups, sprint-drag carries, leg-tucks, and a two-mile run. Kim claims that he designed this test himself in “less than five minutes.” Analysts note that this is amazingly similar to the new Army Combat Fitness Test (CFT).
“If Kim copied the CFT, we’re honored” said TRADOC spokesman Maj. Ted Jackson. “But in no way did he dream up that routine in five minutes. It took us eight years to crap it out, and judging by the initial field reactions, even that wasn’t enough time to get it right.”
Sources report that Kim’s sister, Kim Yo-jong, supports her brother by delivering him Sports Bang drinks and scoring his weekly tests. “After all the talk of her succeeding to Supreme Leader while he was out of sight, we think she’s just happy to be alive,” said Moody.
The new fitness regimen has not exhausted Kim’s energy for oppression while he observes COVID-19 distancing guidelines.
Kim sometimes allows soldiers to exercise in his place as surrogates, and any who fail the weekly CFT are not seen again. He also instituted weekly intimidation sessions with Korean Communist Party members over Zoom and Microsoft Teams. “We assess that tele-bullying isn’t nearly as effective as in person,” Moody said, “Kim can’t read the room by video. But it still gets the point across.”
Moody stated that Kim now has the tag line, “Fit to Fight, Fit to Win Over Yankee Imperialism” in his signature block, above a picture of himself in a track suit.