ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Defense Tropes Quarterly announced the publication of yet another article claiming the aircraft carrier is vulnerable, obsolete, and prohibitively expensive. The piece is the latest in a long series of articles in professional military journals questioning the utility of the carrier which literally dates back to the carrier’s very inception nearly a century ago.
In 1922, two Navy lieutenants dismissed the concept of an aeroplane-carrying vessel, writing, “We have far more aircraft carriers than aircraft to put into them, and before any more money is spent on improving the carrier fleet it would be well to make sure that a sufficient complement of planes will be available for these ships if ever they are called upon for active service.”
For decades, military academics have justified their miserable existences teaching at the various war colleges by declaring the aircraft carrier is vulnerable and obsolete in the era of dirigibles, atomic bombs, nuclear torpedoes, ballistic missiles, sea-skimming guided missiles, suicidal explosive-packed motorboats, electromagnetic pulses, DF-21 “carrier killer” missiles, hypersonic weapons, and railguns.
Oddly, no author has suggested an entire aircraft carrier could be taken out of commission by microscopic germs, despite the fact that communicable diseases have devastated militaries for thousands of years.
In the past three decades, it has become fashionable for academics to preface every article about the vulnerability of the aircraft carrier with a quote from former President Bill Clinton, who allegedly remarked that the first question asked before any international crisis was “where are the carriers”.
As of this writing, it is unclear how or why military academics have elevated the 42nd president from a marijuana-smoking draft dodger to an exalted military strategist on par with Alfred Thayer Mahan.
The latest edition of Defense Tropes Quarterly will feature dozens of time-honored and thoroughly unoriginal articles from mediocre thinkers. One article will argue for a return to the draft to curb US military adventurism abroad. The thinly-sourced article will rely on the singular case study of the Vietnam War, which went on for nearly two decades with massive casualties in no small part because the draft provided the US with virtually unlimited manpower.
An advance copy also shows the article will completely divorce the Vietnam War from any greater historical context, including the immense social upheaval in the United States during the 1960s as well as the overall strategy of containment during the Cold War.
The article is also expected to claim that a draft would force Americans to think twice about using military force abroad by forcing the wealthiest 1 percent to serve, even though that totally did not happen the last time the US had a draft and is one of the main reasons the US abolished the draft.
Sources also claim the most recent publication will also include even more classic military tropes, including a piece written by a completely self-absorbed O-3 on his way out the door, entitled “The best and brightest officers are leaving the Army — look at me, I’m living proof.” The journal will also include “Did You Know Some Army Bases are Named for Confederate Leaders?” — part of a series of articles written by unoriginal field grade officers in Woke Forces Quarterly.
The publisher also hinted the issue might also include still more Funk’s Fundamentals.
Sources confirm the next issue of Defense Tropes Quarterly will feature nearly a dozen articles from nearly every agency throughout the defense bureaucracy asserting that every general officer’s pet project — from hypersonic missiles to thermal underwear – represents a “Revolution in Military Affairs which will fundamentally change the nature of warfare”.
As of this writing, publishers insisted the articles, written by innovative junior military officers, were totally sincere and not attempts to astroturf support for money and bureaucratic turf by manipulative generals in obscure government agencies.