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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Saturday, 26 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Saturday

26 September 2026

0003 Zulu

Next edition Monday

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· Page 2

Ghost of U.S. Grant pisses on main gate of fort lee

Filed · 1550

FORT LEE, Virginia – Garrison and area residents are marveling at the specter of Gen. Ulysses S. Grant urinating on the main gate of this post in what is being called “the Civil War’s first live streaming event.”

According to local paranormal investigator Helen “Velma” Martinson, Grant’s ghost began his ethereal number one on the main Fort Lee gate with a shower that lasted over 10 minutes on June 6, the day that the Marine Corps banned Confederate flags. “It was like he'd been holding it for 100 years,” said Martinson.

Grant’s ghost has been amazingly vocal. “I got tired of waiting for Army leaders to wake up and smell the hardtack and pick a better name for this place,” he said. “Lee was a complete dick. He fought a rebellion for the right to hold slaves forever. He also stiffed me on a big bar tab in 1865.”

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