FORT LEE, Virginia – Garrison and area residents are marveling at the specter of Gen. Ulysses S. Grant urinating on the main gate of this post in what is being called “the Civil War’s first live streaming event.”
According to local paranormal investigator Helen “Velma” Martinson, Grant’s ghost began his ethereal number one on the main Fort Lee gate with a shower that lasted over 10 minutes on June 6, the day that the Marine Corps banned Confederate flags. “It was like he’d been holding it for 100 years,” said Martinson.
Grant’s ghost has been amazingly vocal. “I got tired of waiting for Army leaders to wake up and smell the hardtack and pick a better name for this place,” he said. “Lee was a complete dick. He fought a rebellion for the right to hold slaves forever. He also stiffed me on a big bar tab in 1865.”
Martinson said Grant wondered why Army leaders could not find another Virginia-born military hero for the base’s name. Fort Lee historian Todd Andrews stated that legitimate heroes of the U.S. Army from Virginia include Grant’s fellow Civil War Union General George H. Thomas; 54th Massachusetts Regiment Medal of Honor recipient William Carney; Desmond Doss, Medal of Honor recipient for Hacksaw Ridge; Darryl “Shifty” Powers of the 101st Airborne Division; and General George C. Marshall, who graduated from the Virginia Military Institute.
“That check took about a minute,” Andrews said, “I’m sure the Pentagon could find more if they invested five minutes on it.”
Grant’s ghost asked, “Have Army leaders ever cracked a book besides Gone With the Wind? Fort Lee is right next to Petersburg, where thousands U.S. soldiers under my command died to trying crush Lee’s rebellious nuts.”
” That’s a few thousand good reasons not to name a post after the guy if you ask me.”
The last sighting of Grant’s ghost occurred on June 9, when he was seen pounding Gatorade and Rip It energy drinks.
“I’m filling up to take a giant whiz on Lee Barracks at West Point,” said the specter. “In the afterlife, all his classmates talk about how Lee had a gigantic stick up as ass as a cadet. Don’t get me started.”
Grant’s ghost said that he would “fight his urination campaign if it takes all summer,” until all of the Army bases named for Confederate generals are renamed. He also requested a feature on the popular series, Ghost Hunters.