WASHINGTON — John Bolton’s tell-all book has been revealed as 400 pages of a madman rambling about the need to bomb Iran, sources report.
“Initially we tried to prevent the release of Bolton’s book, The Room Where It Happened,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said. “We were worried it would contain classified information. Although Bolton had access to that information, he was too stupid to understand it.”
Critics claim The Room Where It Happened is meandering drivel that seems to have been ghost written by a child.
“After decades of publicly calling for regime change, Bolton struggles to spell Iran,” Alice Hopkins, reviewer for the New York Times said. “And in chapter 4, ‘Impress With Great Facial Hair,’ he confuses Iran with Puerto Rico and demands we nuke San Juan.”
“In chapter 7, he wonders why Trump was impeached for dealing with a do-it-yourself construction company. It’s no surprise the author held positions at the highest levels of government.”
Bolton said he was proud of his book and he was working on another. “I’m halfway through with it already,” he said. “I’m sure We Should Fight Pointless Wars Unless I’d Have To Go will be a best seller.”
At press time, Bolton was being sued by David Icke for plagiarism. “Bolton copied my statements on lizard people running the world,” Icke said. “All he did was change ‘Illuminati’ to ‘Iran.’ The only thing he added was that part about how hard his dick was.”