Navy names missile after Crozier just to fire him a third time


The USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN-71) fires the CSG-86 'Crozier' missile. The missile reverses course repeatedly before sinking the career of anything it hits.

WASHINGTON — The US Navy has officially named a smart bomb after Capt. Brett Crozier, the officer who spoke up in order to protect his crew from COVID-19, in order to fire the Crozier missile from a ship after exhausting the option to fire Crozier from his position yet again.

The CSG-86 missile will be launched from the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt, which was Crozier’s ship one-and-a-half times, and explode on impact with an uninhabited island in the Pacific that the Navy has honorarily named “Career.”

“All of this may seem malicious, but we want to see Crozier land on his feet after this,” said Kenneth Braithwaite, the Navy secretary. “If he doesn’t, how will we knock him down yet again?”

Crozier was relieved of his command after reports of coronavirus on board his ship caused him to speak up and take action, both of which are direct violations of Navy policy. After a huge wave of military and public support for Crozier, the Chief of Naval Operations said he would reinstate him before changing that decision again.

“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that,” said Braithwaite. “First, we fired Crozier because he made the Navy look bad by calling us out. Then people noticed how hypocritical we were, so we said we wouldn’t fire him. Finally, people stopped paying attention, so we went back to firing Crozier as planned.”

Braithwaite paused. “Yeah, it’s really not that complicated, now that I think about it.”

Adm. Michael M. Gilday, chief of naval operations, explained that the course of the missile named after Crozier will reverse course multiple times during its GPS-guided flight as a reflection of the branch’s own meandering path to ultimately punishing Crozier for disrupting the political machine of Navy operations.

When asked whether firing the missile was even a good use of millions in taxpayer dollars, Gilday was forthcoming.

“It’s really hard to explain,” Gilday told reporters. “See, our senior leadership is dominated by a cycle of corrupt officers who don’t care for sailors or national security but pretend to do both to further our reputations and careers. We can make up a phony reason to do anything we want as long as it suits our purposes.”

Gilday shrugged. “Okay, so maybe it’s not that hard to explain.”


Addison Blu

Comedy writer, Army veteran.
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