SWAMPSCOTT, Mass. — A man impersonating a National Guard soldier was promptly arrested today after authorities noticed he was “way too physically fit to be an actual Guardsman.”
“He showed up at our checkpoint claiming he was a sergeant from another company, but his lean waistline and well-fitting body armor instantly gave him away,” said National Guard company commander Capt. Brian Massie. “Plus he was maybe 25, 30 years old at most. There’s not an NCO in this brigade under 50.”
While soldiers in Massie’s company were suspicious, they let him remain with the unit for a few hours, thinking that maybe he recently left active duty and was still waiting for his physique to adapt to life in the Guard. But when he began asking fellow soldiers if they wanted to do calisthenics, they knew something was wrong.
“He called our brigade commander ‘Sir’ instead of ‘Jim’ like the rest of us do, so I knew there was no way this guy was a Guardsman,” said Massie. “That, and he was actually volunteering to do work. No soldier in their right mind, Guard or otherwise, would ever volunteer for something.”
Police also apprehended a Coast Guard impersonator who was patrolling the harbor in a boat. They later realized he was, in fact, a Coast Guardsman who was assigned to be there, but he remains in custody because “It’s the Coast Guard, who cares?”