Raytheon wins contract to send six guys to stare at shit


WASHINGTON — Raytheon won an exclusive contract to send six retired guys out to stare at shit, sources report.

The six guys will come out next week and will wander around for a month. For a few hours a day they will stand in front of a computer stack and stare at it with their arms crossed. Afterward, they will grab hold of a supervisor at a wildly inappropriate time.

“We’re here for the reboot, so you need to take the system down,” they’ll say, referring to a system that has been working without an issue for years. One will pull out a laptop and announce the instructions on how to restart a computer. Nobody is allowed to ask if this multimillion dollar contract could be completed by giving an E-4 the laptop.

While the reboot is going on, the contractors will start talking amongst themselves. “They hired us for our experience, but when I was in we didn’t even have this,” one of them will say.

“This all went to shit because of Hillary Clinton.”

“Looks good,” one will say when the computer comes back online. All six guys will then spend an hour telling everyone how to maximize their disability rating.

At press time, Raytheon was finalizing the clause allowing their contractors to go to the front of the chow line every meal.


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