The following is an article by Thuszoldydides, from the September 480 BCE issue of the Duffel Blog’s ancient Greek predecessor, The Satchel Wax.

SPARTA – Lance Hoplite FlavorFlavius has been ordered to wear a giant stone and bronze sundial to every gathering for a fortnight after missing first phalanx this morning, sources confirmed.

“This isn’t the first time Flavius has showed up late,” said his phalanx leader, Butterbaritus. “He’s always stumbling in with glossy eyes, wine on his breath, and some lame excuse like his alarm Helot didn’t wake him up.”