BAGRAM — ISAF Commander Gen. John Campbell today ordered every single coalition member in Afghanistan to stop what they were doing and prepare to pick up brass from spent rounds used in combat and training there. Operation Hands Across Afghanistan is set to commence tomorrow at first light.

Campbell was very specific with his orders. "I want you to stand at double-arm intervals in a line across every province, then walk from one side of your province to the other and back," he announced to a crowd of 7,357 exhausted troops, a spectacle which was broadcast and transcribed to every other command in the country. "You too, Great Britain, don't think I can't see you."

Troops were ordered not to look up from the ground lest they should miss a piece of brass. "Do it right the first time, or by God we'll go back over the whole thing again," Campbell threatened. After retrieving the casings, units will separate them into NATO 7.62 and 5.56 casings in order to return the remaining brass to the Taliban as part of the Afghanistan withdrawal agreement.