FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Senior leaders at the Pentagon have shelved a controversial new policy mandating 100% black light inspections during Central Issue Facility (CIF) turn-in. Public documents indicate that the testing led to the condemnation of the Fort Drum CIF for violation of the New York State Health Code 1.68, Section 5, as it "constituted a danger or nuisance, or was otherwise prejudicial to the public health.”

According to officials close to the issue, New York State Department of Health Officials were alerted after suspicious stains were found by black lights on nearly 100% of equipment during turn-in and re-issue for an entire 4 week test period. Upon further analysis by the Cornell School of Industrial and Labor Relations, the stains were a virulent mixture of semen, blood, feces, and radioactive isotopes.

"We have been saying for years what the black lights confirmed the last few weeks," said Lloyd Kilpatrick, former Fort Drum CIF supervisor. "Even the soldiers themselves had a faint glow on the clothes they were wearing while turning in their equipment. It is like they came directly from an orgy at a Liberian meat packing facility."