THE PENTAGON — Multiple sources in the Army Chaplain Corps have confirmed that Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin’s celebratory Passover seder turned Biblical when he swore to kill each military service’s firstborn budget request for the next cycle.

“That was some Old Testament shit right there,” said Maj. Gen. Thomas L. Solhjem, the Army’s chief of chaplains. “He unleashed something even more unholy than boils and locusts: A flat budget.”

The bloodletting was swift and furious, as Austin slashed budgetary hopes between each blessed cup of wine. The Army took the biggest hit, losing more soon-to-retire helicopters than expected as well as three new uniform changes. Acting Army Secretary John Whitley was devastated that soldiers would have to endure ‘pinks and greens’ for several more years.