THE AFTERLIFE — Following his death on Wednesday, controversial pastor Fred Phelps was surprised to learn that heaven was much hotter than he imagined it would be, Duffel Blog has learned.

Phelps, the founder and former lead pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, was convinced his years spent protesting soldiers funerals and hating homosexuals would earn him an eternity of comfort and bliss, but so far his central air conditioning seems to be malfunctioning.

"It's not quite what I was expecting," said Phelps, communicating with Duffel Blog reporters via Ouija board. "I never believed heaven would be full of pillowy clouds and unicorn rainbows, but at least it would have temperature control. It's hotter than hell up here."

The temperature was not the only surprise that caught Phelps off guard. On his arrival, he found his living accommodations to be substandard and workers on staff were unreceptive to his concerns.