WASHINGTON, DC — Hot on the heels of their previous controversial decision striking down the progressive Army tattoo policy, the Supreme Court has shaken the Department of Defense to its very core by declaring that enlisted members are ‘people’. 

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said, “While it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike Military Special brand vodka, this court can no longer deny that enlisted service members are, in fact, people, and are entitled to be treated as such.”

Writing separately, former Army Captain Justice Alito reluctantly concurred. “Whether they be Joes or Janes, Devil Dogs or Swabbies; whether they be called Schmitty, Snuffy, or Schmuckatelli, or TED, NUB, Boot, or Seaman Timmy, this court feels that each enlisted member must be considered a full person under the meaning of the constitution, and is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, however misguided their pursuits may be.” 

At the insistence of the Supreme Court First Sergeant, Justice Alito clarified that liberty was “obviously subject to timely completion of all online training and not being red on dental.”