FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Keeping with the spirit and time-honored tradition of unchecked cronyism, unit commanders will reportedly be handing out awards to adorable lieutenants going door-to-door this Halloween.

While officers are spoiled all-year-long by receiving awards for doing the same level of work as their enlisted counterparts, Halloween is a time especially fun for lieutenants: Sources say it's the best time for O-1's to dress up like competent leaders that soldiers respect.

"I am going as Sgt. David Hackworth!" says assistant to the assistant personnel officer and multiple DUI offender 1st Lt. Marcus Grigson. Grigson, also a perpetual under-performer and infamous for his beautifully coifed, out-of-regs hairstyle, is sporting a high-and-tight wig to take his costume to the next level. Sadly, this year is his last as a lieutenant in the U.S. Army.

"Because of my mandatory promotion to captain!" Grigson exclaimed.