BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — The Pentagon is unveiling a new policy banning tobacco products for most troops in Afghanistan that planners believe will improve combat effectiveness.

"We are always trying to find new ways to increase the lethality of our combat forces," Pentagon spokesman Col. Jack Taylor said. "In an unconventional war, sometimes you need unconventional thinking."

The theory behind the ban originates from Dr. Eugene Watson, military physician and former smoker.

"Nicotine withdrawal has many symptoms which can be utilized by the military," explained Watson. "It involves feelings of irritability, frustration, and impatience. In clinical terms, it straight-up fucking sucks."