WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s Public Affairs Office has unveiled a new aircraft to combat dumpster fires today, according to its own press release.

Dana White, the Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs, personally demonstrated the Canadair CL-215 “Scooper” by flying over a roll-off, open-topped Dixie dumpster in a Pentagon parking lot, and releasing one thousand gallons of water in a single pass that extinguished all potential public relations infernos at once.

The bin, which was filled to the brim with substantiated reports of financial misconduct, validated sex scandals, and a current Space Force investigation, was left a water-logged mess that no investigator or journalist would touch, according to sources.