NAVAL STATION GREAT LAKES, Ill. — Battle Stations, the grueling 12-hour simulation that all enlisted members of the United States Navy must complete before graduating recruit training, is undergoing a major overhaul, according to sources.

Gone are the simulated missile attacks, mass casualties, and shipboard fires, the hallmark of Cold War training, sources say. Instead recruits will now face challenges more suitable to the 21st Century threat environment: sexual harassment training; drug and alcohol response; and leadership more worried about covering asses than using common sense.

According to Lt. Matt Comer, spokesman for Naval Service Training Command at Great Lakes, crises recruits will face include many things. "For instance, a man overboard drill when someone tosses away a chemlight. Simultaneously, sailors will be tasked with sorting over 500 pounds of trash into metal, plastic, and paper."