KYIV, Ukraine — Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr., the 46th president of the United States, announced he was deserting the oval office “so I can fight for the glory of Ukraine.” The announcement came on live TV during a surprise meeting with President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “It’s the only way I can really get at Putin,” the now-former President said, “The press always asks me, don’t I wish I was debating him? No, I wish we were in high school and I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.”

Biden, who recently passed his annual White House physical, said “I’m a spry guy, I’ve tussled with the likes of Corn Pop, I can do this.” He posed for pictures in a boxing stance to prove his point.

The former president told reporters “I am in Kyiv today to meet with President Zelenskyy and reaffirm our unwavering and unflagging commitment to Ukraine’s democracy, sovereignty, and territorial integrity.” Biden then turned to Zelenskyy and raised his right hand to receive the Ukrainian oath of enlistment. Out of respect for his previous legislative and executive branch experience, Biden was direct commissioned to first lieutenant though one Ukrainian officer was later heard to say he thought lance corporal was more appropriate given Biden’s documented love of American muscle cars.