Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force

Cobra had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine.

MONOLITH BASE, Badhikistan — In a tense domestic meeting last week, Cobra Commander urged his son to consider a career in the U.S. Air Force, sources confirmed today. Sources close to the transnational terrorist organization’s inner core say that Cobra Commander had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine.

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“He comes into the living room and makes this lame small talk,” Billy said of the encounter during his break from Sbarro at the Monolith Base Exchange. “‘How’s your fantasy team doing?’ ‘How’s your stepdad’s new job?’ Jesus,” Billy said, recounting that his father awkwardly sat beside him and said he’d found something concerning in Billy’s room.

“I thought he found my vape. But then he pulls out this business card a Cobra recruiter gave me, and I’m like, shit, this is gonna be the puberty talk all over again.”

Cobra Commander reportedly explained that he knew what Billy was going through as a young man eager to prove himself, “but I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made.” He then handed his son a glossy Air Force recruiting brochure. “It’s a better way of life, Billy,” he said.

In recent years, Cobra has gained more media attention for high rates of domestic violence and substandard housing than for its complex schemes for world domination. Following a devastating Rand study, which identified a “severe and pervasive lack of concern” for the welfare of its employees, noting a 32% annual mortality rate for Cobra Troopers, Cobra High Command relieved infantry leader Major Sebastien Bludd of command, citing a “loss of confidence.” Nevertheless, enemies and allies criticized the move to pin systemic failures on a single field-grade officer. In the fallout, Cobra Stratobase was asked to leave its longtime home in Iranian airspace.

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“But Dad, some of those Air Force bases really blow,” Billy recalled saying, showing his father Reddit threads about remote locations chosen with little regard for the availability of off-base social activities.

“Cobra has a base in a volcano, Billy,” Cobra Commander responded. “A literal volcano. You remember that Marine commercial where they fight a lava monster? That was Gerald. He was a friend.”