CAMP GEIGER, N.C. — After a particularly horrific sick call at the School of Infantry-East Aid Station, a hollow-eyed Hospitalman 2nd Class Angel Flores is urging fresh-faced aspiring infantrymen to consider masturbating into clean, dry socks.

“No matter how many times I say it, these savages never change socks,” explained Flores, after being confronted with 17 Marines sporting cases of immersion penis following five days of rain-soaked training in the Greater Sandy Run Area.

“They just keep using the same ones over and over. Then they put them back on their feet and hike to the next range or training area. Then it’s the same thing the next night.”

According to defense officials, immersion penis occurs when a servicemember’s member is exposed to wet, bacteria-laden socks or other similar receptacles for long periods, particularly if subjected to sustained friction. Though the average exposure time is no more than two to three minutes for most “Geiger Tigers,” chronic repeated exposures during the 0200-0400 fire watch period offer a significant danger of wrinkled, swollen, and peeling flesh characterized by a smell Flores likened to “rotting corpses.”

“They just won’t learn,” said Flores, a single tear coursing down his cheek. “It’s been this way the whole eight years I’ve been a greenside Corpsman. I tell them, ‘Wear clean socks, drink water, take Motrin’ and they say, ‘Fuck it’.”

Flores turned his face to the sky and exhaled. “No, literally!” he said. “These animals will fuck anything. But the socks are the worst.”

Flores is not alone in his experience. Senior Chief Hospitalman Enos Barque, a greenside corpsman for 17 of his 21 years in the Navy, told reporters that serving with Marines had “been like a sock orgy in the air, on land, and sea” the whole time.

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