Duffel Blog's military transition guide for members who don’t obey lawful orders
Life comes at you fast, we are here to help.
By W.E. Linde
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – Separating from the military can be an intimidating and stressful prospect for those who have spent years honing skills with uncertain applicability in the civilian world. This is especially true if you’re forced to leave the military because of a failure to follow pretty straightforward, lawful orders. That’s why Duffel Blog has put together this resource to help navigate the choppy waters of self-inflicted economic uncertainty.
First, it’s a good idea to ask yourself why you didn’t follow lawful orders that may result in getting, at best, an “other than honorable” discharge. Maybe it was because you didn’t want to take a vaccine that 90% of your fellow soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines are taking (as well as literally millions of 16-year-old civilians). Or you had a legitimate concern about the handling of a recent war but decided that obeying the lawful orders of superior officers wasn’t as effective as recording sinister-sounding threats in an abandoned bus. Or maybe “Marxism.” Regardless of the reason, write it down, because it can be used later when you start your own podcast.
After you’ve clarified your reason, you need a plan. The following will help guide you through your post Article 92 of the UCMJ life.
Prepare for what talk show you want to appear on explaining why you decided to throw your career away: This is important. There are legion media personalities who may invite you on their shows, where they can ask what prompted a patriot such as yourself to make such a bold stand (the answer should include “socialism”). But not all cable and radio shows are the same. For instance, Sean Hannity will interview just about anyone, but if you agree to go on Tucker Carlson’s show, be prepared to insert something weirdly racial into your story.
Set up your crowdfunding site early: Don’t wait to establish a “YOUR NAME Defense Fund.” You may be the victim of your own short-sighted decisions, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of folks out there willing to slide you $20 as you fight the Stalinists or whoever wanted to protect the military from a pandemic. You’ll find this can be lucrative at first, but without a sustained social media presence the cash will probably dry up fast. This is why this next point is so important.
Pick a cool name for your podcast: This is an awkward but nearly unavoidable step. The celebrity star that seemed to offer a potential life as a patriot at war with a “woke” military will fade pretty fast, and so you’ll likely have to “toot your own horn” on the internet. With a combination of a cool podcast name (like “American Spartan Rising”) and a lot of luck, you may just eke out a living over the months in between CPAC conventions, when you’ll be able to at least unload some American Spartan Rising t-shirts. On that note…
Be careful with the “merch”: It seems reasonable that if Ben Shapiro calls you a hero and your buddy made your podcast a rockin’ logo of an American eagle shooting an AR-15, then baseball caps, T-shirts, chain wallets, and the like should sell like hotcakes. Everyone remembers when Chelsea Manning rolled out her line of What’s an Inspector General? thumb drives. But the last thing you want is to have 30 boxes of that stuff crammed into your parents’ garage if, somehow, no one wants to wear your moto crap.
After all this, you’ll finally be ready: Fill out an application to Chick-fil-A. We hear they’re always hiring. And never forget: “A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life wrote a blank check made payable to “The United States of America,” for an amount up to but excluding getting a life-saving vaccine.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Twitter @welinde