EOD Detonates Unattended Teen At Airport

RALEIGH, N.C.—Fort Bragg soldiers assisting law enforcement destroyed an unattended teenager after it had been left in the A terminal at Raleigh-Durham Airport this morning, sources say.

Members of the 722nd Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) Company, stationed at nearby Fort Bragg, often assist local law and state law enforcement with cases involving military ordnance or suspicious items. The suspected teenager was left alone near Gate A12 at RDU.

“It’s common knowledge that you can’t leave anything unattended in an airport,” said EOD soldier Staff Sgt. Michael Foche. “The TSA calls us, and each time we ask, ‘Dudes, how do you keep getting our new number, you’re basically the Payless Shoes of federal law enforcement.’ But dammit, we’re obligated by law and policy to respond when they call, so we come in and do what we have to do.”

In this case, an air traveler reported a suspicious teenager in the terminal, which had been left unattended for almost an hour. The teenager was sitting by itself, and did not respond to any attempts at communication. It merely kept its attention on its cell phone, with earbuds jammed into its ear holes.

The teenager barely even responded when EOD soldiers, wearing bomb suits, gingerly lifted it and transported it out of the terminal and into a safe location on the tarmac. The teenager texted "OMG adults r so 2000 and late" and sighed, as if the Kafkaesque weight of all lame human existence, or whatevs, was weighing heavily on its soul. Then the EOD soldiers affixed an Explosive Containment Unit over it, secured it to the ground using concrete screws, and destroyed it in a controlled detonation.

Flights resumed shortly thereafter.

No owner of the teen has yet been found, but investigators are focusing on several middle-aged couples who suddenly have much more disposable income and free time, many fewer arguments, and more fulfilling sex lives.