WASHINGTON, DC – With the Air Force facing a series of combined wartime and sequestration budget cuts totaling over $14 billion, Air Force Chief of Staff Mark Welsh III outlined to reporters today the Air Force's new procurement plan to use local bake sales to fund the purchase of aircraft.
"We're going to need a hell of a lot of brownies," General Welsh told reporters in the kitchen of his Washington, D.C. home, where his wife Betty was making the first batch of the estimated 1.6 billion brownies needed to afford a single B-2 bomber.
The first part of the bake sale will be occurring later this week on the flight line of Andrews Air Force Base, and will feature a series of cookies, pies, scones, danishes, tarts, croissants, biscottis, and cakes made by the families of base personnel. It will subsequently be held Air Force-wide on planes detailed to Transportation Command.
According to General Welsh, the bake sale will be only the first of many ways the Air Force will be raising money during the sequester.
"Procurement, while vital, is only a small part of the Air Force budget, General Welsh explained. "We also have to pay for salaries, flight hours, repairs, space defense satellites, complimentary Fabergé eggs for new recruits, etcetera."
Other services have also resorted to unconventional ways to finance their operations through the sequestration. The Marine Corps has begun renting out Camp Lejeune to paintball enthusiasts, the Army recently forced the 10th Mountain Division to get a paper route, and the Navy has been appearing in a series of low-budget thrillers just to pay the rent.
Betty Welsh then interrupted her husband to ask if reporters would like to buy one of her delicious homemade 'JDAM Jellyrolls' to help purchase a single Mark 82 General Purpose (GP) bomb the Air Force was hoping to drop on Afghanistan later this week.
"Only $8,000 each!"