Former ‘Ranger’ Tom Cotton refuses to call Jill Biden ‘Doctor'

“It’s just misleading,” said the former 101st Airborne Officer who campaigned on his experience as an Army Ranger.

By Paul J. O’Leary 

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Republican Senator and Army Ranger School graduate Tom Cotton is refusing to refer to First Lady Jill Biden by the title of “doctor,” sources confirmed today.

“It’s just misleading,” said the former 101st Airborne Officer who campaigned on his experience as an Army Ranger. “Yeah, I suppose technically she has the title doctor since she has a Ph.D., but everyone knows it’s not the same thing.”

Cotton commissioned as an Army second lieutenant and attended Ranger School in 2005 before being assigned to a conventional infantry unit and deploying to Iraq. The Arkansas native, who never served in the 75th Ranger Regiment, deployed to Afghanistan in 2008. He transferred to the Army Reserves in 2010.

“How would you feel if you had a medical emergency like a heart attack on an airplane,” continued Cotton, whose military experience did not include conducting kill or capture missions against high-level targets as part of a special operations force. “Then they call for a doctor and some guy with a Ph.D. in Women’s Studies shows up? Are you okay with that person calling themselves a doctor?”


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First Lady Jill Biden, who earned a doctorate of education in 2007 at age 55, has come under criticism by some conservatives for insisting on the title doctor, despite not holding a medical degree.

Sources close to Cotton say staff members are forbidden from using the term “Dr. Biden.”

“The senator just won’t have it,” said one legislative assistant who requested anonymity because he doesn’t like being unemployed. “He thinks calling her ‘doctor’ detracts from the true bravery and mission of actual medical doctors. He told us in a staff meeting once that attending school to become a doctor isn’t the same thing as living the lifestyle of a real doctor day in and day out. 

“He says getting a Ph.D. is a school, but being an M.D. is a lifestyle.”

“I’m not taking away from her school,” said Cotton, a graduate of a 62-day leadership and small unit tactics course. “That was a laudable accomplishment, for sure. It just doesn’t stack up against actually being a doctor — someone who really earned the title through years of commitment, hard work, and adversity. 

“It’s almost like stolen valor.”


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High-value target disappointed to be raided by Rangers instead of Navy SEALs

By Cat Astronaut on March 19, 2017

AFGHANISTAN — Taliban operative and avid Navy SEAL fan Mansour Aminullah says he was disappointed when a raid on his house was conducted by "some pansies from the Ranger Regiment" instead of SEALs, sources confirmed today.

Aminullah, who has countless books and films on the elite naval special operations forces, says being raided by a bunch of guys he had never heard of was a big let down.

"The SEALs are my heroes," said Aminullah, pointing to a poster of the iconic Trident symbol displayed prominently on his wall. "Zero Dark Thirty was just so badass, and bin Laden was a dick anyway."

Aminullah says he prepared for the raid for months, making "welcome" signs for all of his favorite SEAL operators. At the very least, he says, he was hoping to get his copy of No Easy Day signed by someone he had seen on Fox News.

"It's bullshit. SEALs raided my brother's and cousin's houses just last month," he said. "They're probably gonna write books about that shit. And seriously, my mother could graduate from Ranger School with a cloth over her eyes — which there is at all times — because she would be beaten otherwise."

Soldiers who participated in the raid said they tried hard to convince Aminullah that they were just as good as SEALs and that there have been really cool movies made about Rangers, too.

"I happened to have a Black Hawk Down VHS on me, so my Rangers and I led the way into his living room to watch it and see if he would come around," said Capt. Nick Scott, the raid force commander. "He liked Josh Hartnett's acting, but I think we both agreed that Bradley Cooper put in more gym time for American Sniper."

While Aminullah did not have any Army books for the Rangers to autograph, he and Scott agreed to collaborate on an upcoming article for Infantry magazine.