Each year, the Girl Scouts of America donates thousands of boxes of their delicious signature Girl Scout cookies to thousands of America’s men and women in uniform deployed overseas.

Whether you’re waiting for the Girl Scout cookie load-in before your ship leaves port or hoping for a box of Tagalongs to show up at your FOB, are you getting the most out of your seasonally available cookies? Try our handy guide for pairing Girl Scout cookies with the right moment in your deployment.

Do-si-dos: These delightful little peanut butter sandwiches remind you of home, the place you’re proud to defend!

Trios: What the hell are these? These are the worst cookies you’ve ever seen. You never got cookies like this at home. Leave it to the military to ruin everything. Kind of like your leadership.

Samoas: These little chunky rings are loaded up with bits of goodies, kind of like your wife, Savannah, who’s really putting on some weight since you left.

Savannah Smiles: These lemon cookies are as sour as your feelings when you find out that Savannah has been getting railed by your best friend, but it’s good that someone’s smiling! That powdered sugar is about as hard to clean up as the nasty custody battle you’re about to start out of spite.

Tagalongs: These peanut butter and chocolate classics will make you wish that something, anything will break of the monotony of deployment.

Thin Mints: Your first kill. You’re a frosty bitch now, aren’t you? The cool mint flavor will match your soul, now that you can feel what it’s like to see a life slip away before you and know that you caused it. These come packaged in sleeves, but you’ll be surprised how easy 24 cookies will go down, just like you never realized how easily, in the moment of truth, you would kill to further a political goal you can’t even understand, let alone justify.

Trefoils: You never sleep these days, and you’re always on edge. You’ll redeploy and end your time in the military. You’ll even go to college; find a new wife. Just like these cookies that haven’t changed their recipe since 1917, you’ll find a way to make each day look like the last, even though you’re a shadow of the man you thought you once were.

You finally reach out to Savannah, and realize that you left her long before she left you, the way that you had to chase what? Glory? An outdated version of manhood? Just like it’s hard to believe that a cookie made with ingredients so simple and wholesome is also so fattening, it’s hard to reconcile with an organization that talks about duty, and purity, and integrity, but then pays you to spend the best years of your youth mired mud, sand and blood.

Thanks for the generous donations, Girl Scouts. We love our cookies, and we love our troops!