ISIS Blames Suicide Bomber Life Insurance For Financial Woes
AL-RAQQAH, Syria — The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious financial difficulties for the so-called caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program.
"In retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a benefit to pay out to survivors," said Mohammad Anwar, a spokesman for ISIS.
The SBGLI program was implemented as part of a benefits package for ISIS militants, which also includes health insurance, annual leave, and a prayer rug allowance. The SBGLI program provides payouts to surviving beneficiaries of militants who blast themselves into pink mist amidst a crowd of infidels.
The payout is compounded for militants with multiple surviving wives, as each wife receives the full benefit instead of a fractional amount. The policy's sustainability is a source of concern among senior ISIS leadership.
"I mean, each militant is already set to receive seventy-two…
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