Lieutenant at sleepover dared to turn off lights and chant 'Sergeant Major' in mirror three times

Some nightmares are real.

By Cat Astronaut

JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — At a junior officer sleepover party over the weekend, fellow partygoers dared Marine 2nd. Lt. Dustin McBride to go into the bathroom with the lights off and chant “sergeant major” in the mirror three times, sources say.

“I’m not afraid of Sergeant Major!” McBride reportedly said before the other lieutenants closed the bathroom door behind him. “I outrank him!”

Witnesses said the sleepover party was playing truth or dare prior to the incident. At first, McBride chose truth, but he quickly switched to dare after the other lieutenants asked if his Marines respected him.

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While some legends say the Sergeant Major is a benevolent apparition who appears to young lieutenants to guide them with leadership and life advice, most lieutenants believe he is an evil poltergeist who comes to stab his victims’ eyes out with bloody knife-hands and a skin blistering glare.

“He was giddy about the idea at first, and he even went in there with a little bit of stubble on his face,” said 1st. Lt. Leo Medina, McBride’s executive officer. “I don’t think he truly believed that the Sergeant Major was real. Big mistake.”

Within 30 seconds, Medina says, they heard blood-curdling screams come from the bathroom as McBride struggled to escape while yelling “I swear this haircut is within regs!”

“There have been no verified reports of a lieutenant engaging with a Sergeant Major in the wild, so this being’s existence is still in question,” said cryptozoology officer 2nd. Lt. Glen Moss, an expert on senior enlisted encounters. “But it’s possible that’s because so few lieutenants have lived to tell about it.”

“The few reports of a Sergeant Major throat-punching or otherwise choking the life out of a lieutenant were all determined to be [Marine Corps Martial Arts Program]-related.”

At press time, a trembling McBride was seen huddled in the corner of his office ironing his service uniform and muttering, “He didn’t even salute me.”  

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