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Navy boasts ‘Fat Leonard’-size recruitment bonuses

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By Paul Silk

WASHINGTON — As every branch of the U.S. Military continues struggling to attract new recruits this year, a recent ad highlights the Navy’s new recruitment strategy that was inspired by an unlikely source: Renowned Navy recruitment expert Leonard “Fat Leonard” Francis.

The Navy, which is facing a projected 23% shortfall in new recruits by years end, has rolled out an entirely new list of financial incentives to lure new recruits, including tens of thousands of dollars in cash, luxury jewelry, first-class accommodations, and even choice of prime duty stations.

The recruitment campaign was developed after Navy officials sought ‘outside the box’ ideas and turned their attention to strategies developed by the famed Malaysian entrepreneur, who used creative, well-rounded, and ultimately effective recruitment means to recruit Navy personnel.

Francis himself lauds the Navy’s resourcefulness in utilizing tactics it knows will prove effective in increasing the number of recruits.

“I pioneered the most effective recruitment campaign the Navy has ever seen – at any level,” said Francis. “So, it makes complete sense that the Navy paid me a huge licensing fee to use my strategies for wide-scale rollout. Because they work. No question about it.” 

According to his LinkedIn profile, Mr. Francis is the “Director, Talent Acquisition, known for his major accomplishments which include disrupting worldwide Navy contracting processes through expertise in persuasion, networking, open information-sharing, and executive coaching.”

His profile goes on to state that he prioritizes profit-sharing, ensuring Navy team members receive their fair share, maximizing profits from Navy contracts, and mentoring new Sailors on contracting practices.

Within the ranks, Francis is famously known for building a network of top-tier talent within the Navy. His strategies are so legendary that the Navy couldn’t resist building an entire recruitment campaign around them. 

And recruits are loving it.

“This recruitment package is huge – balls to the wall insane,” said Seaman Recruit Kenneth Salemi, an 18-year-old spoiled brat from Durant, Iowa, who recently enlisted after the Navy guaranteed him $25,000 cash, several luxury watches, five-star hotel accomodations, international airfare for himself and his friends, and prostitutes.

The aggressive recruiting campaign, which has garnered the attention of the other branches who will likely adopt it as well, now touts a ‘quick ship’ bonus which includes automatic approval of security clearances without background investigations, allowing the Navy to quickly fill ranks with recruits who possess morals, professional standards, and who also follow the letter of the law, according to a Navy press release.

“We are doing our best to adopt best practices from around the world and Fat Leonard was very successful, effective and persuasive in his efforts,” said Adm. Michael M. Gilday, the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO), while sitting in his new BMW. “We wanted to do something that performs even better than our usual Cable TV ads, cold-calling landlines of high school students who graduated a few years ago, and inviting interested prospects to mail in postcards,” he added.

The latest additions to the recruitment packages include tickets to Top Gun: Maverick, gourmet meals, spa treatments, boxes of Cuban cigars, and, in cases of hard-to-fill jobs, the services of prostitutes, which often come in teams of two.

“The Navy is not just a job, it’s an adventure and our recruitment packages will help you move full speed ahead so you can let the journey begin,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, (D-NY 14th District), who sponsored the massive spending bill which was financed by rich people. “It’s time to accelerate your life and join the global for good. And make bank, Fat-Leo style. This is the new, honorable Navy,” she added as she got into her Mercedes and headed toward the airport for her Bahamas vacation while on a government salary.

Navy officials noted that massive recruitment bonuses are no longer available to Navy Officers, as they recently burned that bridge.

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