Neuralink placed in Marine crashes Pornhub
"I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.”
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a groundbreaking yet predictable mishap that literally everyone saw coming, a Marine volunteer equipped with Elon Musk’s Neuralink has reportedly crashed Pornhub’s servers, causing an unprecedented digital blackout and a surge of confusion among users worldwide.
Sgt. James Johnson, who volunteered for the Neuralink trial as part of a DARPA initiative to create “super soldiers with enhanced cognitive capabilities,” inadvertently overwhelmed the adult entertainment site during a routine test of his newly acquired mental prowess.
“We were running a series of standard cognitive load tests,” said Dr. Laura Brainstein, lead researcher for the project. “Suddenly, Sgt. Johnson’s Neuralink interface started pinging unknown servers at a rate of 10,000 requests per second. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening, but Sgt. Johnson was done within 30 seconds. I guess that’s why they call him High Speed.”
Initially, researchers believed the Neuralink had malfunctioned. But Sgt. Johnson’s subsequent confession revealed the actual cause.
“I just thought about, you know, taking a break. Next thing I know, the link’s lit up like a Christmas tree,” Johnson said sheepishly. “I didn’t even touch a keyboard. But, dude. I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.”
“Thirty seconds,” Dr. Brainstein added.
Pornhub’s technical team was flabbergasted.
“We’ve handled surges before, like during quarantine, whenever Mia Kalifa says something dumb again, or when a new ‘Star Wars’ parody drops, but nothing like this,” said site administrator Luke Warmwater. “The sheer volume of data requests made us think we were under a DDOS attack. Turns out, it was just one very motivated Marine.”
In response to the incident, Neuralink and the Marine Corps issued a joint statement promising a thorough investigation and stricter protocols for future tests.
“We underestimated the, um, enthusiasm of our test subjects,” project liaison Col. Bea L. Ware admitted. “Moving forward, we’ll ensure that all potential… distractions… are adequately filtered.”
Neuralink founder Elon Musk praise the Marine on X: “Well, that’s one way to stress test our system. Good job, Marine! #Neuralink #Oops #grabthembythepussy.”
The event has sparked a flood of memes and social media commentary, with hashtags like #HornyMarine and #NeuralinkNaughty trending within hours. Meanwhile, Pornhub has offered Sgt. Johnson a lifetime premium subscription, “as a thank you for helping identify weaknesses in our infrastructure.”
Military analysts are now pondering the broader implications of integrating advanced neural technology with human users.
“If one Marine’s Neuralink can crash a major website, imagine the tactical possibilities — or risks,” said Maj. Alfred Overload, a defense analyst. “We may need to rethink our approach to cyber warfare.”
When informed that the Marine Corps has already scheduled an entire Marine battalion to receive Neuralinks next week, a spokesperson from Neuralink only responded with two words: “My God.”
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Well done! Great read to start the weekend.