New water-saving latrines just leave poop there forever

You thought they were broken

A Joint Duty Team measures an addition to the latest innovation in waste management

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move designed to conserve water and uphold its commitment to sustainability, the military has introduced its latest innovation in eco-friendly technology: water-saving latrines that simply leave your poop there. 

Forever.

Dubbed the “Eternal Duty Stations”, these new latrines are part of a military initiative to reduce its carbon footprint and save the planet, one unflushed toilet at a time.

“We’re really pushing the boundaries of environmental consciousness,” declared Maj. Gen. Buck Fenton, the brains behind the effort. “With these new latrines, we’re not just saving water; we’re also creating a…,” Freely paused to form air quotes with his fingers. “‘Lasting legacy.’ Hehe.”

The technology involves removing the flushing mechanism from existing latrines and replacing it with a sign that reads, “Think of the Earth. Leave it there.” The sign also has an image of a sad kitten, as testing showed that sad kittens are seven times more likely to convey disappointment to privates.

Soldiers’ reactions to the new latrines have been mixed. Pvt. Horatio Jenkins, known for his three-bean chili MRE exploits, expressed both awe and concern. “It’s like looking into a portal of my past meals,” he said, staring into the abyss of his contribution to the latrine. “But, where does it all go?”

“Absolutely nowhere,” answered Lt. Col. John Drop, the project’s enthusiastic manager. “That’s the beauty of it. We’re turning every latrine into a timeless museum of digestive history.”