President-elect Donald Trump congratulates himself on Army victory

BALTIMORE, Md. — Amidst cheering cadets and weeping midshipmen, President-elect Donald Trump told reporters on Saturday that he was honored to contribute to Army’s win over the Navy team during the 117th Army-Navy game, one of the nation’s oldest and most intense college football rivalries.

“It was a tremendous, tremendous game,” Trump said. “It’s not really great football, but these kids showed a lot of spirit, and I’m glad my presence here was able to give these guys a victory.”

Trump claimed that the internet was flooded with memes about how he was going to make the Army team great again.

“So many excellent, wonderful people have called and thanked me for helping these guys win. Iraq, Afghanistan, those aren’t going to well, so I was honored to lend a hand. I mean, look at this stadium. Completely sold out!”

Trump went on to promise that he would double the size of both teams after he became president, and said he would also ensure players wore only gold-plated helmets for their next season.

“I don’t know how I feel about this city either,” he added. “Baltimore is a city rife with crime, poverty, and illegal immigrants, because of Democratic policies supported by the current administration. I can guarantee that when I’m president we’ll be getting a much better deal on the next Army-Navy game.”

When pressed by reporters about what a deal involving a football game between two military academies would look like, Trump responded with, “a great one” before again thanking the “outstanding, beautiful people” who congratulated him on the victory.

The President-elect’s visit was not without controversy. After the final whistle blew, he went down to the field to congratulate the victorious Army team, but when approached by Navy coach Ken Niumatalolo for a handshake, Trump told the man he preferred people who won their football games.