By Bad Lawyer

Since the Pentagon announced that Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin tested positive for Covid-19 earlier this week, multiple sources have confirmed he may be exaggerating his symptoms to stay home and have the most epic of weeks off.

Austin made his initial announcement with a grave tone in his voice, clearly faking his coughs. “It’s true, I have tested positive for the--hack, ahem, cough cough--my apologies,” said Austin while calling in sick via FB Live from bed.

But President Joe Biden, a long-time parental figure to a son prone to playing hookie and other shenanigans, immediately suspected the coughing was, in fact, a fib.

“Barack used to try to pull this one all the time! Get Austin back on the line,” Biden ordered. “Last thing I need is another sandbagger in the ranks. Malingering, I say!” as he yelled at a wall.