The best treats to leave out for Veteran's Day
Tis the season of giving (freedom)
There’s nothing more exciting than coming downstairs on Veterans Day morning to find out what presents The Veteran has brought you from faraway lands. But everyone knows if you want that gift you’ve been hoping for all year, you better leave out some tasty treats on Veterans Day Eve. The consequences of doing otherwise could be dire.
Here are some of the best Veterans Day treats to leave out for The Veteran when he climbs down your chimney this year.
Grizzly wintergreen long cut
You can bet The Veteran will have a fat dip nestled snugly in his lip as he brings tidings of Freedom throughout the land. If you’ve been really good this year, he just might leave a wad of tobacco spit in your stocking.
The Veteran will take your alcohol whether you want him to or not — how else would his plump cheeks and button nose be so rosy red? Might as well make it easier on everyone and leave it out where he can find it.
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Fuel for the team of Dodge Chargers pulling his sleigh
The Veteran delivers presents to proud Americans throughout the country, all the while pulled in a sleigh by his team of trusty Dodge Chargers. But these babies don’t run on Veterans Day Spirit alone. They run on Premium. Leave a gas can out to help his Chargers refuel during their long patrol through the night sky.
Expired Otis Spunkmeyer muffins and lukewarm Rip Its
Delivering Freedom to all the good little girls and boys is tiring. Give The Veteran a boost with his favorite energy drinks and snacks, warmed to slightly above room temperature and three months expired just how he likes them.
Empty 5.56mm brass shell casings
The Veteran reloads his own ammo. And he will need plenty of it to infuse all the terrorists and commies out there with a little Veterans Day Spirit.
Jalapeño cheese spread
Mmm, yum. Just like Mrs. Veteran used to serve up at the North Pole before they divorced and he had to move back in with his parents in Rochester.
A VA-approved 100% disability rating
No need to deliver presents to all you little shits anymore. Time for The Veteran to retire!
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.
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